Sunday, 8 April 2012

Bun in the oven

I'm pregnant. Yup. I'm declaring my 9 weeks pregnancy to the world via my yoga blog/website and it feels liberating to do so. This is why I haven't really managed to update anything here for the past couple of weeks because my whole being is still trying to adjust to the intense new stuff that's happening to me. Here's some of the 'highlights'...

 Firstly, I have no energy. Energy. Energy. Energy. In yoga, we talk a lot about this. It's this invisible field, aura that we have within us, flowing through us, and emit to the world. The chi, the prana. It refers to physical energy as well, in terms of strength and ability to burn the calories you consume as well as the more subtle, emotional stuff. Well, for me, I didn't expect to feel this useless in my first trimester. Of course, now, I'm reading that it's completely common to just want to sleep all day and all night. But for a pretty normally - energetic person like me, this was a big blow to my self-esteem, ego and everything I was used to. I want to keep healthy and get out of the house for fresh air. My mind was willing, but my body kept me horizontal.

And then the next thing was guilt washing over me - I dont even have the will power to do my asana practice, how could I ever have the energy to keep up with a baby?

Nausea and sudden appetite for all things unhealthy like fast food and packet drinks. Making me all confused and feeling utterly horrible. Who am I?

Perhaps the most difficult thing, has been the emotional stress due to the crazy hormones. I'm weepy and upset with everything in the world. Small things tick me off and I seem to be unable to look at the bright side of anything. Basically, all my spiritual lessons I've gathered throughout the years just went out the door as my hormones took over.

When Bjorn and I were trying to get pregnant, I was full of hope and love I had for this future unborn child. We both were ready for kids and knew we would like them soon. I was expecting to be in bountiful pregnancy bliss the minute I found out I conceived and I thought I would radiate and glow and be filled with peace and love inside my heart. That was my belief. I had not expect to feel this rotten. You, reading this, perhaps also didn't expect Crystal, this glowy yogi love the earth hippie to say this about her life. But here it is.

The only thing that feels good to me now, is to be utterly honest with my feelings. Which I learnt is more important than 'trying to look at the bright side' or just meditate all day, hoping the feelings just disappear. All my frustrations at life I'm feeling now is not unreal, it's just more amplified and intense. I'm bringing a child into this world, and I think this first trimester is all about a mother trying to suss out this world, suss out herself, to see if it all is going to work out.

All I know is that I'm on this journey now, I'm ready for it. And I'm going to go into it with utter honesty, fierce love and surrender at the same time. Yoga has taught me how to breathe deep into my insecurities, to listen to my body's many different layers and also how to let go. Just because I am not practising my headstands everyday, or sitting in meditation all the time, doesn't mean I can't still learn and grow.

If you're my student reading this, I ask you be patient with me while I am on this journey, hopefully in a couple of weeks - the start of my 2nd trimester, which is meant to be the best time of pregnancy, the stone in my heart will be lifted and the joy I have inside will shine a bit more than it is now.

Namaste :)

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